My heart keeps growing.

Last night I was laying in bed waiting for The Little to wake. I knew he was going to because, well, he always does when I first lay down to try to go to sleep. That's how we roll. I was already feeling frustrated due to lack of sleep for the past...9 months, due to always feeling on the go, due to knowing what every single night with my sweet son has in store. I have actually started dreading night time because we always wind up in the same place - he wakes up a million times and usually once a night *needs* to wake up and get up for about an hour or so before returning to sleep. Needless to say, my husband and I are definitely burning the candle at both ends. We are both tired, exhausted right to our very cores. I find myself getting frustrated with being frustrated with my baby because in my heart of hearts, I know he doesn't do this night time song and dance with us out of malice. Nevertheless, night time is when I feel the most vulnerable, like the worst parent, and like a flat out failure. In the quiet dark of our bedroom, my husband and I rock and "shhh" and practically beg our sweet baby to go back to sleep. And that's when I've shed the most tears since I began the journey of motherhood 9 short months ago. Sometimes they fall silently, while others are spent telling the Little that I'll give him anything, ANYTHING if he will just let Mama get some uninterrupted sleep.

This thought occurred to me last night during the last few silent moments before he started to stir. An epiphany of sorts. Knowing love for your child, and being a good parent to your child is thinking to yourself, "I'll try harder tomorrow" each night before you collapse into bed. Being a mother to my son is the hardest, most challenging, but most beautiful and rewarding blessing of my life. I am lucky to know him, lucky to have the chance to teach him, and lucky to be able to beg him to slip back into a calm slumber. He has left a mark on my heart with his tiny fingers. He is the only creature I miss when he finally does sleep. Sometimes I pick him up when he is napping during the day so that I can snuggle him and smell his hair. When we play during the day, I take time to remember what all of his features look like so that I will never forget that moment in time once its long gone. I kiss his fingers and his toes. And sometimes even during the day, the tears fall but for very different reasons. I weep because my heart is so full of love for this baby that my husband and I created is so big and so strong that I cannot bear to keep it inside. I weep because my husband is such an amazing father. I weep because our Maker allowed me (can you believe it?) to care for this tiny little creature. I'm crying now because I can't adequately express the love I have for him.

So he won't sleep again tonight. We will probably be up at least 4 times. A 3 AM party is likely imminent. And I will get frustrated that he won't sleep, knowing I won't be able to see straight the next day. But I will try harder tomorrow and I will be his best Mama possible because I love him so much.

Peace and blessings,
Smart Mouthed Mama